The Scallion

Devastated New Orleans Refugees Scoff At Foreigners, "We Don't Want Your Help"

New Orleans, La- Satchmo Larrieux, a fourth generation New Orleans native named after the city's favorite son, Louis Armstrong, clung to his life today in a tree above a floating pile of wreckage that used to be his home. With one hand, the starving mechanic and father of four clung to the tree, in the other, he held a sign that read, "Hey Canada, Mind Your Business!"

Larrieux was exhausted and malnourished, but still felt that he needed to make a statement in response to the rest of the world offering help with the unfolding drama in New Orleans. "Yes I am devastated, and still can't find my children, or my dog," Larrieux screamed at an above news helicopter, "But the thought of Jamaicans or Canadians coming here just sickens me."

Larrieux is not alone in his outrage, as many more who call the Big Easy their home are taking offense to offers of aid from countries like Canada, France and Jamaica. "We're fine" explained Sherry Duchaine, an Iraq war widow whose second floor apartment was flooded beyond recognition. In the last month, she has lost her husband, her job and her home, but kept an indignant outlook towards our neighbors to the north. "What's their problem" she continued, moving out of the way of a floating carcass, "I can't see what all the attention is for. Don't they have hockey games to play?"

Representatives from the Jamaican government also immediately offered to send troops and boats to aid in the crisis. "It was the least we could do" said a spokesman for the Jamaican government. "Frankly, I was shocked they said no." Jamaican Ambassador Henry La Grange was also shocked, "I nearly dropped my Red Stripe," La Grange said. "Why would you not want help in a situation like this?" But the people of New Orleans are a proud bunch, and are willing to go it alone.

"Jamaica? Ha!" scoffed Perry Dillon, a local musician who saw two of his bandmates drown. As he waded through the chin high stew of diseased muck, he continued to chastise the Jamaicans offer of relief, "What are they going to do, airlift steel drums to us?"

The city is destroyed, but the American pride of its residents is not. Floating away from a burning hospital on an airmattress she was using as a makeshift raft, local barkeep Lonnie Jaeger was adamant that the only help she would accept was from Americans, who were yet to arrive. "Sure, its taking a while, but the President was on vacation so we knew it was going to be a little slow. That just means when they do get here, it will be that much sweeter." Although she had not eaten in five days and saw her bar fall to a parade of looters, she continued her defiance. "We kicked the French out years ago, and now they want back in?" pausing as she devoured a beetle she had just killed. "I don't think so."


Of course, I am sure the people want the help, but well, see here.