Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Vice-President of the United States Breaks Four Day Silence Over Face/Heart Shooting

(The Scallion)

February 15, 2006, Washington D.C.: The Vice President of the United States, four days after shooting a 78-yr-old man in the face and heart has finally talked to the media. The "media" was a friendly environment, the Fox News Channel, which will air the interview tonight on Special Report with Brit Hume. Excited about the exclusive interview, Fox producers, who asked to remain anonymous for fear of being shot by the VP, said Cheney comes out "guns blazing" against his critics in the interview. “You know something Brit, if this was the Senate floor, I’d tell all my critics to go fuck themselves,” the trigger happy Veep said.

In keeping with that spirit, Cheney kept his middle finger raised and pointed at the camera throughout the interview. His other hand was remained on the trigger of a shotgun that rested on his lap.

The fiery Vice-President did seem a little apologetic about the hunting accident, albeit for a slightly different reason than the obvious, even calling the day "The Worst Day of My Life." A fawning Brit Hume, who seemed confused that this “minor incident” (Hume’s words, as dictated by the White House) could overtake Cheney's previous "Number 1 Worst Day" - the day his daughter brought home her first girlfriend- asked Cheney why this was in fact the worst day in his life. “How could this be sir,” Hume nervously asked, suddenly becoming aware that he was drooling. Wiping the drool from his chin with his tie, he continued: “How could it be worse then realizing that you raised a ‘gay’ who will undoubtedly burn in an eternal hellfire for her Godless “choice?”

Cheney, grunting at the mere mention of his daughter, Richard “Dyke” Cheney, answered only, "Because he didn't die."

Asked if he was going to charge his almost-dead friend for the wasted birdshot that now is clogging the 78-yr-old's face and heart, Cheney admittedly said "Of course I am." Adding only, "Doesn't Howard Dean seem angry?"

Agreeing, and losing almost all composure, Hume heartily laughed, peppering the VP with more drool.

After immediately airing a clip of Howard Dean screaming, Hume, still laughing, then high-fived the V.P., and the interview came to a close.

Neither Fox, nor the Vice President’s office will confirm whether the sudden high five set off Cheney’s shotgun. Although as of the printing of this report, Fox News cameraman Brian Hoeller is still missing.